What to do...What to do

Well Jason worked all late nights last week and in doing so I figured a little bit about myself.
1) I don't like to clean during the day. I would rather play and do fun things or nap during the day with the kids.
2) I like to start cleaning around 4:30, because then I clean everything in 30 minutes and start dinner, and eat and re clean after dinner and I am done. Or I can deep clean stuff after that since I am full and nothing else to do.
3) I don't really like tv at all. I really say I want to watch all the shows that I like but when I forget their on and miss them I really don't care.
4) My house stays pretty clean during the week when Jason isn't around. Not meaning I don't want him around but that I get more done when he isn't here, I let myself get lazy with him here.
5) The longer the boys are here the more stressed I get. Yesterday they still didn't have school (in session or whatever). All day was a fight with them they beat each other or Savannah or throw fits or yell at me or give me attitude. (Chase decided to tell me yesterday, with his hands on his hips, "ok mom, chill out!")
6) I like being a Wife but only on my terms. I don't like to be told what to do or not to do. I don't like to be told how to or not to do something. Or when...I am me and love me or not I am my own boss and no one else can be.
7) I don't really get bored when I am by myself. I just do something different. Like when Jason is here and watching a show. I start to get bored and then start to eat or just whine that I'm am bored, since I feel I should stay in the room and be with him since he's home. But when hes not here and I get bored watching tv I just turn it off and sew or crochet or read or clean. But I most often turn on music and let the kids just play out back or watch a movie so they stay calm.

Everything

Ok so I'm trying to be a better house cleaner, mom, wife, happier person in general, lose weight.... all at the same time. And I have to say its pretty hard but if I just do one at a time I don't think it helps because I stress about the others. I cant be perfect but I am trying and it doesn't seem to help a whole lot. I don't ever keep what I am doing for more than a week. Like last week for instance, I did 8 loads of laundry one Wed. the 4 on Thu. then one more each on Fri. and Sat. But then I haven't done any since then so now I have to do 8 more today or no one will have clothes for tomorrow. I just cleaned the kids bathroom but it looks like I haven't cleaned it for days! I do dishes everyday but we still run out of dishes! I sweep several times a day yet when I walk through the house I step on crumbs. I clean rooms daily yet you cant tell! I am tired all the time yet when its bed time I cant sleep! Chase has been in school for 5 years but he still doesn't seem to understand how to get ready for school! I feed fish, lizard, kids everyday yet they are still hungry? I wash kids everyday yet they are still dirty? Nothing stays clean, I don't get a real vacation unless I leave all the kids with a maid since when I get back from vacation I have to clean everything that was dirtied while I was gone anyway. When I get time to myself I feel guilty for not doing more things around the house and yet I need time to myself or else I will scream. I live in a vicious cycle and nothing ever ends or stops I just fell like my days run together and if I close my eyes I will still be doing the same thing but I will be old and wrinkled because of the stress. I want things to be better but I think 'how much energy do I have to muster just to have things be calm and "normal" ?' Should things be this hard? Why is it like this for me? Is it like this for everyone? Did I do things to deserve to be unhappy in life? Will I just never be happy? Why Why Why???

Anyway this is my feelings right now maybe I will fell better later but if I do it will probably pass and I will feel the same and up and down all over. Blah blah blah